By
Jitters Inkly
Forward and Annotations by
P.H. Wiser, PhD.
CAST
IT WHICH IS CONDEMNED TO NARRATE: Genderless. Ageless. Demon.
TOADIE DROLLWAGON: Male. 40-60. Human. An over-the-hill ghost rights activist.
TAUT CORD: Male. 19. Human. A chipper, passionate, and highly prepared ghost rights intern.
GHOST WHOSE STOMACH BURST DURING A HOTDOG EATING CONTEST: Female. Age is a construct for the living. Ghost. Recently dead and excited about being spectral.
EXPULSS THE EXORCIST: Female. 40-60. One of the most feared exorcists in the Exorcist's Guild.
VARIOUS OTHER GHOSTS THAT ARE NOT AS IMPORTANT: They are ghosts. Sometimes they're individual. Sometimes they're an ensemble. You know how it is.
A NOTE:
Italicized, right justified brackets <> indicate annotations by P.H. Wiser, PhD.
FORWARD
What you are about to read is an extremely special play from an extremely special Place.
While the true nature of theatre in the Place is certain to remain elusive, I think one can safely assume its great importance in the society of the Place given how prolific Jitters is.
The nature of ghosts as presented in this piece is a fascination for me. They fall much more on the Casper end of the Casper/Pazuzu spectrum, it appears. And while they do certainly appear harmless, one does not wonder if our friend Jitters does not have an agenda in mind. Perhaps there is a reason for a more sympathetic than expected portrayal of the ghastly things, for while I suspect that Jitters chronicles true events, I cannot discount the bias factor present in even the greatest geniuses.
There have been strange creaking noises in my apartment. This never happened when I first moved in. I spoke with my landlord about it and she said she'd send someone around. That was two months ago.
I woke up one morning to find the spices in my spice rack no longer in alphabetical order.
I've been having nightmares where I begin my usual theatre history lectures, but then I come to see that the faces of my students are demons and after the first five slides or so of my PowerPoint, they run at me with pitchforks.
To assume ghostly powers at work would be hugely irresponsible. All the same, one's imagination does get going under these circumstances.
My point is that ghosts, at least in our mundane realm, are cause for great alarm. It appears that the general consensus among residents of the Place are similar, but Jitters presents a different angle. Perhaps they are misunderstood. Perhaps we here on Earth also misunderstand the true nature of specters and such. Or, again, perhaps there is an agenda at work here.
Regardless of the politics of the piece, the play is a genuine crowd-pleaser with a little something for everyone: humor, romance, a little violence. I imagine it received top billing during evenings of one-acts.
I hope you enjoy this detour from your day-to-day.
P.H. Wiser, PhD.
SCENE 0: INTRODUCTION
It Which is Condemned to Narrate:
We are in a graveyard with many headstones.
As you can see, several are of typical tombstone shape
But others are in the shape of food items.
A chicken bone
An apple core
A peanut butter jar
To name a few.
Ghosts rise from behind the headstones.
Ghosts:
Ooooooh...
(beat)
OooooOOOOOooooooh...
(beat)
Trouble... trouble in the graveyard...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooh...
(beat)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
oooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOH
IT IS US, POOR GHOSTS
In the Graveyard of Those Who Perished in Food-Related Accidents
<In which case, it's awfully rude to have tombstones in the shapes of foods>
Also known as Saint Stuffins' Yard
The affliction upon us ghosts in Saint Stuffins'
Is an exorcist on the premises!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH no no no...
Her name is Expulss... a powerful and most feared exorcist of the Exorcist Guild
She came to banish us ghosts from Saint Stuffins' Yard
Didn't we suffer enough in life?
Haven't we suffered enough in undeath?
Haven't we...?
Expulss dumps a bucket of water over the ghosts. The bucket is labeled "100% Pure Distilled Carcinogen-Free Holy Water".
Expulss:
Shoo.
Ghosts scream.
A Ghost:
My spectral non-body!
Another Ghost:
I... I can't believe I died a virgin... again!
Yet One More Ghost:
Makes you really think about the fleeting nature of...
Narrator:
This is a terrible tale indeed
Expulss, exorcist extraordinaire of the Exorcist's Guild is excavating these poor ghosts
From their mortal...ish coils
A duo of ghosts rights activists have been alerted
By the psychic cries of the exorcised ectoplasm excreters
The famous and esteemed Toadie Drollwagon
And his intern, Taut Cord
The ghost rights activists arrive at Saint Stuffins' Yard
To put an end to the ghost rites of Expulss.
It is quiet.
SCENE 1: THE ARRIVAL OF THE GHOST RIGHTS ACTIVISTS
Taut arrives wearing an overfull backpack that is clearly very, very heavy.
Toadie wanders into Saint Stuffins' Yard looking tired.
Taut:
Do you think it's just some kids making out behind grandpa's headstone again?
Toadie:
That psychic distress... nuh-uh... no way. When it's kids, the psychic distress feels...
(beat)
I guess I'd say it feels more like a... a gelatin wobbling sensation in my brain. Kinda like... uh... like...
(gestures)
Wobble wobble wobble.
And this one was more... uh, you know.
(gestures, but a little more stiffly this time)
Wobble wobble wobble.
You know? It's like... it's more solid. Not gelatin it's um...
(stiff gesture again)
Wobble wobble wobble
(beat)
You know?
<How scientific.>
Taut:
No no... I get it. Totally. Wobble wobble wobble and... wobble wobble wobble. Yeah. Wow. Like, wow, you must have experienced loads of psychic distress to be able to distinguish between such minute, um... wobbles. Yeah, like it basically felt the same to me. Wow.
Um, do you think its an exorcist? Because if it is and the whole graveyard is emptied of ghosts again...
Toadie:
It won't be emptied.
Taut:
Okay, it's just — I don't want my ghost rights activist credentials revoked...
Toadie:
We'll deal with it.
Taut:
The last two graveyards...
Toadie:
Intern.
Taut:
I'm just saying, three empty graveyards is ground for expulsion —
Toadie:
Intern.
(beat)
Chill.
Taut does not chill, but does go quiet.
Narrator:
Toadie and Taut have yet to see a ghost in Saint Stuffins' Yard, however
Toadie asks Taut to unfurl the standard-issue ghost rights activist ghost-seeking device:
A bedsheet with two holes cut in it
Taut gasps at the magnificent contraption
Passes it to Toadie
Who holds it up stoically
Then lets go.
The blanket with the two holes hurls deeper into the cemetery
Over headstones
Around creepy trees that never grow leaves
Until it wraps around a ghost.
Ghost Whose Stomach Burst During a Hotdog Eating Contest:
Hey...
Toadie:
Ah-ha! Ghost!
Eating Contest Ghost:
Oh no... don't come near! I'll... I'll ectoplasm you, It'll really hurt, but I'll do it!
<It does appear as though creating ectoplasm — or at least, expelling it from one's spectral body — causes a great amount of pain. As far as I can tell from my readings relating to the Place, it can be thought of like spectral blood, meaning to expel it, a spectral body would need to be cut. Spectrally. The exact mechanics of how this is accomplished is hazy to me.>
Toadie:
Nay, good ghost! My trusted ward and I are certified ghost rights activists! We have come to —
Eating Contest Ghost:
Show me your credentials, my dudes.
(beat)
Toadie:
What?
Eating Contest Ghost:
Your credentials. Show them to me!
Toadie:
Oh come on, seriously?
Eating Contest Ghost:
Credentials! Or you'll be ectoplasmed!
Toadie:
I don't carry it on me! I am the famous —
Eating Contest Ghost:
Prepare to be 'plasmed, my dudes!
Taut takes a thick binder out of his backpack.
Taut:
I have my ghost activist intern license right here in triplicate.
Eating Contest Ghost:
Oh... I see...
Taut:
And I have a copy of Master Toadie Drollwagon's here too.
Toadie:
You really should know me. I am a beloved savior to ghosts all over the Place.
Eating Contest Ghost:
I'm newly dead, I don't know what's up. Could you remove the sheet, my duderinos? It's stuffy.
Toadie:
Intern.
Taut:
Yes sir. Right away sir.
Taut removes the blanket with two holes from the ghost.
Eating Contest Ghost:
Thanks, my dudes.
Toadie:
You seem a little on edge. So. What's up?
Eating Contest Ghost:
My dudes... Expulss the exorcist is here.
Toadie:
(sharp inward hissing breath)
Ooohh...
Taut:
Expulss... that vile exorcist.
Toadie:
Yes. Um. No. We can't have her exorcising a whole graveyard. Not on my watch. No. Not at all.
Eating Contest Ghost:
I would really appreciate it if you didn't let her get to me. I was just starting to get used to my undeath. Dude... my dudes... I just learned how to do this:
Narrator:
The ghost levitates a hundred feet in the air.
<From my study of the Place's theatrical conventions, they would almost certainly cast an actor who knew how to levitate in the role of Eating Contest Ghost.
That, or they would probably take a Levitation UtiliPill, or perhaps they would affix a Swelll branded levitation device (called Flight Shackles) to a non-levitating actor. >
Eating Contest Ghost:
BoooooooOOOOOOoooooo...
Taut:
Don't go too high up! The Municipality Enforced Spectral Containment Field will zap you!
Toadie:
Yes, very cool. Now could you tell us —
Narrator:
The ghost is zapped by the Municipality Enforced Spectral Containment Field
The ghost lowers back to the ground.
Eating Contest Ghost:
OoooooOOOOooooohhh too high... My ghastly innards... Ooooooooh I can feel them vibrating, my duuuUUUUUuuudes...
Taut:
Graveyards are just big ghost cages... It's a real shame that we treat the unbodied so poorly. I empathize with your plight, I —
Toadie:
Cool your burgeoning savior complex. Where is Expulss?
Eating Contest Ghost:
I just wanna levitate...
OooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooohhhh...
Toadie:
Oh, go choke on whatever food killed you in the first place.
Taut:
Master Toadie!
Eating Contest Ghost:
My stomach burst during a hotdog eating contest. You know, you're a pretty rude dude for a ghost rights activist.
Toadie:
I'm sorry, I just... I need to find Expulss. She is... she is very dangerous and you know, she makes me, you know...
Eating Contest Ghost:
More jittery than an energy drink enthusiast after a spinal tap?
<If Inkly's other works are to be believed, energy drinks in the Place are not to be trifled with. Consuming a single eight-ounce can of a drink called Cattle Prod will keep an individual awake for three days, during which their teeth chatter so much and so quickly that molars have been known to shatter as a side effect.
Cattle Prod is dentist recommended.>
Toadie:
I... Hey, I am doing no such thing!
Toadie jitters like an energy drink enthusiast after a spinal tap.
Toadie:
You'd all do well to be afraid of Expulss, she's one of the most dogged and cruel exorcists around... and all exorcists are dogged and cruel!
Taut:
Oh yes! I've read her dossier...
Toadie:
In fact, you should be so afraid that you are staying right here while I go and find her.
Where is Expulss?
Eating Contest Ghost:
I last saw her skulking around Rich Folk Hill.
<Which is apparently a feature in all graveyards in the Place.
Even the Destitute Pits have a Rich Folk Hill. Somehow.>
Toadie:
Thank you, ghost.
Taut, stay put until I return.
Taut:
Aye!
Toadie starts for Rich Folk Hill.
Taut:
Master Toadie, you haven't got your anti-exorcist spray — here, let me —
Toadie:
Hm? What? Oh, I've got some.
Toadie takes out a fancy spray bottle.
Taut:
That's not standard issue...
Eating Contest Ghost:
My husband used to have a bottle like that, my dude.
Toadie:
I don't know why he would, it's an experimental anti-exorcist spray. I'm off to tussle with Expulss!
Taut:
Okay... be safe, Master!
Toadie:
(leaving)
Yes yes...
Toadie disappears towards Rich Folk Hill.
Narrator:
There is an incredibly painful silence that I'm going to skip over
You should thank me.
Eating Contest Ghost:
Well, I'm going to go back to levitating, my dude.
Taut:
Cool. Sounds cool.
Narrator:
The ghost which perished in an eating contest
Rises ninety-five feet in the air.
There is yet more painful silence which I shall skip.
Eating Contest Ghost:
Oh my goooOOOOOOoooodness! The rude dude! I see him and Expulss in a struggle!
Taut:
What do you see? What do you see?
Eating Contest Ghost:
They're... they're grappling! Locked in combat!
Taut:
Oh my god... oh my god...
Eating Contest Ghost:
He has her up against the Burger Mistress’ headstone patty!
<The Burger Mistress was a titan of the restaurant industry. This was likely because she was born with a rare birth defect that caused her to sweat ground beef.
And rich parents. It does help to inherit one's burger fortune. As to whether or not her parents sought out a demon to create said birth defect in their own daughter has been called "grossly irresponsible tabloid speculation" by the Burger Mistress estate.>
Taut:
Yes!
Eating Contest Ghost:
Oh...
OoooooOOOOOOooohh...
Taut:
What is it? What is it?
Eating Contest Ghost:
She's broken free... she's pushed him onto the ground... I think... I think she's strangling him!
Taut:
No... oh no...
Eating Contest Ghost:
He's writhing!
Taut:
He... he told me not to leave, but he... he...
Eating Contest Ghost:
He's stopped writhing!
Taut:
Oh god, oh god...
Taut takes out a bulky spray canister labeled: "Anti-Exorcist Spray."
Taut:
I'm going in... I have to... I have to...
Eating Contest Ghost:
Yes, my dude... you must! For the rude dude! For the sake of all in Saint Stuffins' Yard!
Narrator:
With his bulging backpack bundle,
Taut clumsily runs for Rich Folk's hill.
SCENE 2: UPON RICH FOLK HILL
Narrator:
At the base of Rich Folk hill
In Saint Stuffin's Yard
It is easy to spy the massive
Gleaming gold
Ground beef patty which marks the grave of the Burger Mistress
Taut jitters like an energy drink enthusiast after a spinal tap
But steadies himself by recalling the ghost rights pledge:
Taut:
(raising a hand)
I pledge to help the incorporeal
Because they are still real
And real things deserve real help.
Narrator:
Taut shakes the anti-exorcist spray
And charges up Rich Folk Hill
He spies the vile Expulss
Standing above a kneeling Toadie.
Taut:
I banish thee, banisher!
Expulss:
Hm?
Toadie:
Taut, no — !
Taut screams and sprays.
Expulss screams.
She falls.
Taut:
Master Toadie! I've done it, I've...!
The kneeling Toadie holds an open ring box with a diamond ring inside.
Taut:
T...Toadie?
Toadie:
I can explain...
Taut:
Is that... some kind of... experimental anti-exorcist device...?
Narrator:
The ghost of Expulss rises out of her body.
<Hologram technology is much farther along in the Place, although I wouldn't put it past them to actually somehow pull the actor's spirit out of their body to accomplish this trick.
Theatre of the Place is simultaneously rooted in extreme realism and extreme poetic license. It's often difficult to parse what end of the spectrum some of Jitters Inkly's works fall on.>
Expulss:
What happened, Toadikins? I felt something spray me...
Taut:
You're a ghost.
Toadikins?
Expulss:
I'm a... I'm a... a what? A what? A... what? Oh! No ew ew ew ew, I can feel the ectoplasm, this is so gross make it go away! Make it go away!
Toadie:
Ah! Expulss! I see my... intern has dispatched you with the anti-exorcist spray before I could use my... anti-exorcist ring beam... ring!
Expulss:
How long does the spray last? How long does the spray last? Tell me, small boy!
Taut:
It's a four-hour de-bodying...
Anti-exorcist... ring beam... ring?
Toadie:
Yes, the anti-exorcist ring beam ring. Good work, my intern. Good work.
Taut:
Why did a vile exorcist just call you Toadikins?
Expulss:
A whole four hours... as a ghost... why, I should just exorcise myself right now. Alas... I cannot dump the holy water on myself...
<Given the sheer number of metaphysical and god-adjacent beings roaming around the Place, I couldn't begin to speculate which entity holy water is blessed by.>
My insubstantial form will not allow me to pick up a bucket... Oh, the pain of being ghostly... OOOooooooohhh...
Toadie:
Excellent ghost rightsing tonight, Taut.
Lets head on home!
Taut doesn't move.
Toadie:
Brave intern?
Narrator:
Toadie shakes Taut
Taut sniffs deeply of Toadie's aroma
This weirds Toadie out.
The aroma... it is not Toadie's usual scent
The sort of musk exuded by middle-aged sad men
But rather, it is a
Slightly alcoholic
Somewhat manufactured
Mango fragrance...
Cologne...
Toadie:
...you okay?
Toadie waves a hand in front of Taut's blank face
Toadie:
...hello?
Taut:
Toadikins.
Toadie:
A um, vile nickname from a vile exorcist...
Taut:
Toadikins...
Cologne...
The ring...
Taut's arm swings upward, his finger points stiffly, accusingly.
Taut:
You.
Taut's other arm snaps up, pointing a stiff, accusing finger at Expulss too.
Taut:
Her.
Taut slowly, stiffly, mashes his hands together.
Taut:
T O G E T H E R . . . ?
Toadie:
Kid, you are jumping to conclusions. The adrenaline...
Taut:
TRAITOR!
Toadie:
She's doing psychological warfare! Don't listen!
Taut:
Watching your show inspired me to become a ghost rights activist, but this whole time you've been... you've been...
Toadie:
Kid...
Taut:
YOU'VE BEEN A BAD, BAD PERSON.
Toadie:
Hey, whaddya say we pop over to Donuts N' Molenuts and chat it out like a couple of guys, yeah?
<I still don't know what a "molenut" is and frankly, I don't want to find out.>
Taut:
You were proposing to an exorcist! You — !
Narrator:
A sticky, glowing substance strikes Taut on the back!
Expulss:
Oops.
Taut:
(trying to feel the very middle of his back)
Have I... have I been...
Toadie:
Taut...
Taut:
ECTOPLASMED?!
Expulss:
I haven't a clue how I did that. Whatever that was, it hurt like a —
Toadie:
It's okay boy, everyone gets ectoplasmed every now and then. The important thing is not to let it stay on too long. Here, let me use my Ecto-Removo...
(feels pockets)
Drat, I left it at home.
Taut:
I... I have an Ecto-Removo.
Toadie:
Of course you do. Good intern.
Toadie rummages through Taut's backpack and takes out a putty knife and a dog poop bag that has "Ectoplasm Containment Device" written on it.
Toadie:
Lay on your front.
Taut:
Why should I do anything you say anymore?
Toadie:
Kid, do you want a spectral hole in your chest?
Taut pouts. He lays on his stomach all the same.
Narrator:
The ectoplasm upon Taut's back
Pulses and glows
It's very spooky-ooky.
Toadie:
Yeesh. That sure is some 'plasm kid.
Taut pouts.
Toadie scrapes at the lump of ectoplasm with the putty knife — er, Ecto-Removo.
Toadie:
Look, I know ghost rights activists and Exorcist's Guild... like, we're enemies. Like, totally. Totally enemies. But like, hey, you know, maybe they're not all bad, you know?
Toadie continues to pick at the blob of glowing, pulsating ectoplasm.
Toadie:
That's all I'm sayin'.
SCENE 2.5: A SINFUL DIVERSION
Narrator:
For all of Toadie's pathetic post-hoc justifications
He and Expulss really do love each other deeply.
They hated each other at first, of course
Being on opposite sides of the ghost rights war
But they kept running into each other
And in order to keep themselves sane
Their rivalry developed into something playful.
One night, five years ago
Toadie responded to psychic distress at a haunted house
Of course Expulss was there
And neither of them were into it anymore
With their jobs
Toadie was getting sick of being constantly outcasted by society
Of not making ghost rights progress
The ghost rights pledge never felt more hollow...
Toadie:
(exhausted)
I pledge to help the incorporeal
Because they are still real
And real things deserve real help.
(beat)
And real fucking funding.
Narrator:
Expulss was feeling the futility of her task
She could exorcise all the ghosts she could
And there would still be more ghosts
The Exorcist Guild motto never felt more hollow...
Expulss:
(mocking voice)
I am a proud footsoldier
Defending the bodied from the unbodied
Shoo, shoo!
You dumb spooky ghosts!
Blech!
Narrator:
And in that haunted house
With them both thinking
They really didn't want to be there
They got a bite at a nearby Donuts N' Molenuts
And talked about everything other than ghosts
Until the next morning's rush forced them to leave.
That's the secret to their relationship:
Work is a hundred percent separate.
Ah... love.
Let us see how it all get's ruined, shall we?
SCENE 3: UPON RICH FOLK HILL ONCE MORE
Narrator:
Taut can hardly believe his ears
This man who inspired him
He wants to marry an exorcist?
It's a cruel joke.
Eating Contest Ghost:
My dudes. Just checking in on you dudeskis. What's up? Ah, my dude, you been 'plasmed. That sucks. Something smells like the cologne my husband used to wear...
Taut:
What are your thoughts on not being able to leave Saint Stuffins' Yard?
Toadie:
I don't know what you're trying to pull, kid, but all this chatter is making it hard for me to use the Ecto-Removo properly.
Eating Contest Ghost:
I mean, Saint Stuffins' Yard is nice, but like... you know, it would be cool to see the sights in my undeath, you know, my dudes? Go places I haven't been.
The Hot Dog Fields...
The Relish River...
The Mustard Slopes…
<The Mayo Geysers... the Lettuce Head Tornadoes...>
Taut:
(standing)
Yes... exactly!
Toadie:
You've still got some ectoplasm on you!
Taut:
(not paying attention to him)
You can't see the world — you can't do anything! It is so unfair that the law prohibits ghosts from existing beyond their assigned homes! I want to see a world where the unliving are free to walk alongside the living on the street!
Toadie:
Kid, I gotta get that ectoplasm off, you'll get this big hole —
Taut:
I envision a world where the unbodied enjoy equal rights with the bodied! Imagine: Phantoms free to fly above traffic! Imagine the beauty it would grant to those poor, corporeal commuters.
Toadie:
Alright kid, that's enough...
Narrator:
As Taut gives his speech
The remaining ghosts of Saint Stuffins' Yard gather around him.
Taut:
All ghosts deserve to be free!
Ghosts cheer.
A Ghost:
But how do we override the Municipality Enforced Spectral Containment Field?
Taut:
Well then, it's good that I...
(holds up a thick binder)
...have the override codes!
Ghosts cheer.
Taut:
Ghosts of Saint Stuffins' Yard, I — ah!
Taut grabs his chest.
Ghosts gasp ghastily
Toadie:
(gasping humanly)
Taut! The ectoplasm!
Taut:
The ecto...aah!
Narrator:
A hole opens up in Taut's chest
Take a look at his chest now — can't you see the gravestones of Saint Stuffins' Yard through it?
<I believe this effect is accomplished through the use of Swelll branded TemperClear liquid.>
Taut looks at the hole.
He pokes his finger into it.
He sticks his hand through his chest.
<TemperClear would not be able to make this effect work, however. There must be something else to it, but I am at a loss.>
Taut chuckles, which transforms into mad laughter.
Taut:
I'm part ghost... I'm part ghost!
Toadie:
You just have a spectral portion of your body, not the same as —
Taut:
Ghost brethren!
Let us be free of Saint Stuffins' Yard!
Graveyards are ghost prisons!
Ghosts:
Graveyards are ghost prisons!
Taut:
Gather ‘round. Let us recite the override code together.
Toadie:
No! You can't!
Silence.
Taut:
I can't?
Toadie:
No! We can't just commit an act of terrorism to free these ghosts... ghosts rights activists have been fighting for years in the lower courts, not-so-low courts, middling courts, average courts, adequate courts, and upper courts for decades to allow more freedoms for ghosts...
Taut:
When will the change come, huh?
Toadie:
There's a weekend furlough deal allowing family visitations for ghosts confined to graveyards! That's going to pass in... like...
(quietly, quickly)
Twenty-one to twenty-nine more years.
Ghosts:
BoooooooOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Toadie:
You've got to be patient! Change takes a while.
Taut:
It doesn't have to. Not all of us are encumbered by old feeble minds such as yours. Some of us still have imagination! Do you even remember the ghost rights pledge?
Toadie:
Of course I do, it's really easy —
I pledge to help the incorporeal
Because they —
Taut:
Wrong! You have strayed from the path.
Toadie:
...but that was right —
Taut:
All ghosts who want to wait for their freedom and be exorcised during all that waiting, say aye!
A Really Annoying Contrarian Ghost:
Aye!
Taut:
Everyone who wants their freedom now, say aye!
All Other Ghosts:
Aye!
Taut:
That settles it — read the codes aloud over my shoulder and you will be free, my kin!
Narrator:
As one, Taut and the ghosts of Saint Stuffins' chant the code to override the Municipality Enforced Spectral Containment Field
It goes as follows:
Ghosts and Taut:
Rounded asses
Champagne glasses
Sex like molasses
Gotta clear up
These sexy rashes.
This repeats underneath the following.
Toadie:
No... no no no... Expulss! Do something!
Expulss:
What's it look like I can do, Toadikins? I don't know how I ectoplasmed him in the first place!
Toadie:
Your holy water — where is it?
Expulss:
There's a bunch of buckets...
Toadie:
Great!
Expulss:
...inside that scary mausoleum over there.
Toadie:
Not so great!
Expulss:
Well, excuse me, Toadikins.
Toadie:
Expulssums... my sweetie.
Expulss:
Toadikins...
Narrator:
They attempt to embrace each other
But she passes right through him
They both shudder
It's not... exactly... one of... discomfort.
It's a little...
Well
Let's not talk around it
Orgasmic
The searing pleasure of their embrace is stronger
Than the most passionate nights of lovemaking ever produced.
Toadie:
Oh... oh my...
Expulss:
Ghosts don't deserve to experience such pleasure and that's why they must all be —
Toadie:
I'll return as quick as I can. It'll take them sixty-nine recitations before the Municipality Enforced Spectral Containment Fields are overridden.
Expulss:
Sixty-nine? Really?
Toadie:
Look, Lubiss our programmer... she just got out of a long-term relationship...
Expulss:
Shoo!
SCENE 4: SPOOKY-OOKY MAUSOLEUM
Narrator:
Toadie, jittering like an energy drink enthusiast after a spinal tap
Approaches the mausoleum of Saint Stubbins' Yard
Even for a professional ghost rights activist
Mausoleums are still
— and this is a technical term amongst ghost rights activists —
"Spooky-ooky."
Toadie shudders as he creeps through the mausoleum
Something crawls over his foot and he shrieks.
Various undead things snicker in their vaults.
Toadie:
Yuk it up, that's right, that's — EEK!
Narrator:
There is more snickering in the mausoleum.
Toadie continues deeper, pretending to be unfazed
This makes the various undead things snicker more.
Several buckets of holy water
As well as empty ones
Sit beside open vaults.
Toadie snatches one, spilling a little holy water on the mausoleum linoleum
And starts to scamper out the mausoleum.
A ghost blocks his path.
Obstacle Ghost:
'Ey. Ain't youse Toadie the ghost rights activist?
Toadie:
Go choke on whatever it is that killed you. I need to get through.
Obstacle Ghost:
I chokes'd on bluesberries. Very tragics. In orders to gets past me, you'll's haves to reveal youse to be the ultimate hypocrite and throws holy water on me.
Narrator:
Toadie walks through the ghost without a problem.
Obstacle Ghost:
Drats... 'Ey, gets back —
(shuddering with immense pleasure)
OooooOOOOOOOOoooooohhh... makes me feels alives agains...
SCENE 5: THE CLIMAX IS HAPPENING AT RICH FOLK HILL
Narrator:
Taut and the ghosts still chant:
Ghosts and Taut:
Rounded asses
Champagne glasses
Sex like molasses
Gotta clear up
These sexy rashes.
Toadie:
Expulssipoo!
I have it I have it I have it!
Expulss:
How swell!
Narrator:
Toadie steps onto a golden gravestone shaped like a baguette
Lifts the bucket over his head...!
(long silence)
But
He doesn't dump it.
He shudders, knowing what he must do, and yet...
He sees these spectral beings
Surrounding his intern
And something stirs in him
Having spent decades as a ghost rights activist
Facing years and years and years of hardly any forward progress
Has left him jaded
And for the first time in a long time
He sees the ghosts below
And feels that spark of passion that made him want to become a ghost rights activist so long ago
The ghost rights pledge slips from his lips, unbidden:
Toadie:
I pledge to help the incorporeal
Because they are still real
And real things deserve real help.
Narrator:
These poor ghosts
They can hardly interact with the physical world
They don't deserve the imprisonment society has foisted on them
The bad reputation
They are merely bodiless, and for that, they are persecuted, othered.
They don't deserve exorcism…
<This is a highly political statement Jitters Inkly is making here. Is it possible Inkly faced censorship for their stance?>
Expulss:
What are you waiting for, Toadikins?
Toadie:
Ah!
Narrator:
Toadie jumps, loses his grip on the bucket
Backwards, it tips!
With a splash, holy water douses the grass of Saint Stuffins' Yard
A piercing shriek rips the air —
Taut and the ghosts cease reciting the code phrase, so unnerving is the scream
All turn and see
The spectral Expulss melting away from holy water.
Expulss:
OooooOOOOOOOOOHH, it hurts! It hurts! Is this the suffering I've caused all along?
Toadie:
Expulss! My darling dearest!
Narrator:
Toadie tries to clutch her ghostly body
But cannot.
Expulss:
I deserve this
Because I
Am a filthy ghost
And this is what ghosts deserve.
Toadie:
Expulss, oh my sweet Expulss
I'm so sorry, I was frightened...
Expulss:
I was looking forward to our life together
Life
Life...
Life!
Toadie:
You've got holy water on... I don't know what...
I can't...
Darling, please don't leave me...
Narrator:
But Toadie is talking to air.
Long silence.
Toadie stands there, mouth agape.
He waves his hands uselessly through the air, as though trying to cling onto where he last saw her.
Toadie:
(kneeling)
No...
Noooooo...
Toadie tries to gather the holy water in his hands.
Toadie:
Are you in there?
Darling, can you hear me?
Please come back, you're the only thing that made life worth living the only...
I...
Toadie becomes aware of Taut and the ghosts watching him.
Toadie:
Go away
Leave me alone
Have your fun
Floating all over the Place
Just leave me alone...
Taut:
Wow...
Taut kneels beside his mentor.
Taut:
What a huge sacrifice you made for ghost rights... I didn't think you had it in you.
Toadie:
I didn't mean to —
Whatever. Leave me alone. Have fun with your revolution.
Taut:
Maybe radical change is something that should be thought through more... Change takes time... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so immature.
A Ticked Off Ghost With Perfectly Valid Criticisms:
Oh yeah, that's fine. We can stay chained up to a single location for a few more decades. What the hell, a few more centuries! It's only like, our freedom. We don't really need that. Go through the official channels.
It's fine.
We don't need radical change now in order to be treated with basic dignity.
That's fine.
It's fine.
Really.
It's fine.
Totally fine.
It's fine.
Taut:
(bowing)
Thank you for being so understanding, my kin.
Critical Ghost:
(shakes ghostly head)
The living, man. They just don't get it.
Narrator:
And so status quo has been restored
Albeit, Taut has that spectral hole in his chest
And Expulss is quite truly, fully deceased
But I mean, you know
In the grand scheme of things
Status quo has been restored.
Yep, all perfectly normal status quo —
Toadie grabs the binder from Taut, clambers onto the baguette-shaped tombstone.
Toadie:
Rounded asses
Champagne glasses
Sex like molasses
Gotta clear up
These sexy rashes.
Eating Contest Ghost:
Wait, are we really doing this?
Critical Ghost:
I've long longed
For the day
When the manacles
Placed on the unbodied by the bodied
Would be shattered.
Taut:
Wow... I've never been prouder to be your intern...
All:
Rounded asses
Champagne glasses
Sex like molasses
Gotta clear up
These sexy rashes.
Narrator:
This goes on for a while
You don't want to hear it recited sixty-nine times
I don't want to hear it recited sixty-nine times
So, to the last repetition:
All:
Rounded asses
Champagne glasses
Sex like molasses
Gotta clear up
These sexy rashes!
Narrator:
Upon the last repetition of the code phrase
Wind blows and it blows and it blows
The ghosts howl and they howl and they howl
And they spiral and they spiral and they spiral
High, high, high into the night sky
A spectral tornado
So strong are the winds that gravestones tip over
A wave of headstones toppling from the epicenter of the wind
Like spooky-ooky dominoes!
Thunder crashes
The ghosts cackle
The spiral of ghosts tightens, tightens into a single thin column of spectral energy
And then, unable to get any tighter
The spiral of ghosts bursts apart
Ghosts are flung from Saint Stuffins' Yard
All over the Place
Into amusement parks
Into restaurants
Into cinemas
Into the homes of lonely people squirreled away and forgotten by relatives and friends with no one to talk to
The specters come into their homes
And now the lonely have someone to talk to.
These ghosts...
They are free...
They are free...
They are free...
The ghosts of Saint Stuffins' Yard.
(beat)
Or... they will be for a while.
This is quite a major felony you see
It is highly likely there will be a governmental crackdown
To put the ghosts in their place
The Hand will probably sicc the Demon Hunters on these poor ghosts
<Seems like overkill to me, but the government of the Place does appear to prefer a policy of overkill.
Demon Hunters are used to wrangling incredibly dangerous beings with lots of spikes all over their bodies and the capability to completely destroy the Place should their power go unchecked. Ghost hunting is such an immense downgrade for the Demon Hunters, whatever brigade is assigned to clean up ghosts should take it to be the snidest of insults.>
The Exorcist's Guild will have lucrative business for certain
What will become of Taut and Toadie?
Likely the law will be after them too
And so our story ends.
(beat)
Well, there's one more tiny matter...
The body of Expulss.
You can't just leave a dead body in a graveyard it doesn't belong in
No one has heard from Toadie or Taut since these events happened
But there is a rumor
That Toadie keeps Expulss' body perfectly preserved in a large icebox
Which he carries with him at all times
Upon his back
And that he spends his days seeking out someone
Who can go where exorcised ghosts go
Into the Dead Place
But that
That is a tale for another time.
Go forth into the world, my friends
And if you see a ghost, be kind to it
Most are quite harmless, despite what you may have heard from the propaganda of the living
So say hello and listen
Because one day you too may be a ghost.